Fortunate Sons and Fortunate Psychos

Your regularly scheduled snarkitorial, now with more feuds, faux paus, and flubs!

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled parade of dumb.

If America were a reality show, this week’s episode would’ve been titled “Balloons, Billionaires, and Bad Decisions.” We’ve got parades no one asked for, birthday bashes with ironic soundtracks, moon soldiers, and MAGA baseball uniforms that scream "dictatorship but make it sporty." From Capitol Hill to Mar-a-Lago, the political circus continues, only now the clowns are armed, the elephants tweet, and the ringmaster might owe someone $100 million. Let’s dive into the flaming kiddie pool of recent headlines.

Make Birthdays Great Again (Or Not)

America just celebrated another of its spiritual holidays, the Day of Perpetual Delusion, also known as Trump’s birthday. You’d think the guy who’s declared himself President-for-Life in all but name could at least get a decent crowd for his ego-float parade. But no, the D.C. turnout looked more like a church picnic after a salmonella outbreak, while the No Kings protests across the nation were so massive they might’ve shifted the Earth’s axis. Somewhere, Marie Antoinette is handing out cupcakes in solidarity.

And speaking of irony so thick it needs its own zip code, someone queued up Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son” as troops marched in Trump’s vanity parade. That’s right, the anti-war anthem about rich kids dodging the draft blared through the speakers while the enlisted strutted by the Clown-In-Chief. Whoever cued the playlist either has a PhD in trolling or just hit “Patriotic Spotify Mix” and prayed.

Tulsi's Nuclear TikTok Vibes

Meanwhile, Tulsi “Now With Clearance” Gabbard, our Director of National Intelligence and unofficial spokesperson for nuclear apocalypse chic, dropped a video that could best be described as Alex Jones meets TikTok filter glitch. One Republican senator saw it and begged her to “change her meds,” which, let’s be honest, is the most bipartisan thing to come out of Congress all year.

Rumor has it that Cruella has also pitched a Fox News-style production for the President’s intelligence brief since he “doesn’t read.” Considering the number of Fox personalities now on the federal payroll, that should be a simple enough change to make and would play into the few skills they actually (sort of) possess. Bonus points: they’d be too busy “informing” his orangeness to make more of a mess at their positions (looking at you, Hegseth).

MAGA League Baseball

Congress had other priorities this week, like playing baseball. The GOP team wore matching MAGA uniforms like they were auditioning for a fascist reboot of The Sandlot, while Democrats showed up in thrift store gym shorts like it was casual Friday at the Y. And of course, Republicans won. Again. Because if there’s one thing they’ve mastered, it’s pretending to be underdogs while holding the bat, the ball, and the damn field.

Picnic Bans and Budget Tantrums

Senator Rand Paul was uninvited from the White House picnic because, apparently, we’re governed by middle schoolers, after criticizing Trump’s latest budget bill. He did what any adult would do: he whined about it on TV. Rand is one wedgie away from fully reverting to his middle school form. It would seem the Mean Girls slight was effective, however, since Rand’s recent comments suggest he has softened on the bill.

Les Misérables, But Make It MAGA

In high culture news, Trump and JD Vance attended a Kennedy Center performance of Les Misérables, where they were booed by people who understood the plot. The irony of two authoritarian fanboys watching a musical about revolution, inequality, and the righteous fury of the downtrodden and missing the message is so thick you could carve it into Mount Rushmore.

Full-Bright, Half-Witted

Elsewhere, the Fulbright Board resigned en masse, accusing the Trump administration of treating academic diplomacy like a pawn shop. Apparently the Trump administration was fiddling with scholarships like it’s an episode of The Apprentice: Academic Sabotage. And on the left, David Hogg, Vice Chair of the DNC, announced his resignation after suggesting maybe—just maybe—some Democrats should stop running until they’re 105. Naturally, the gerontocracy sharpened their walkers and pushed him out.

Insurrection? What Insurrection?

Two police officers injured on January 6 filed a lawsuit demanding Congress install a memorial for the insurrection approved in 2022. Nearly dying to defend the Capitol still doesn’t merit a plaque unless you also owned slaves.

Houston, We Have a Secretary

The administration’s brain trust also includes Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, who announced on live TV that a U.S. soldier is stationed on the moon. In reality, he meant the International Space Station (ISS), but at this point, reality is a courtesy no one expects from this White House or administration.

Crypto Bros & MAGA Feuds

Over in Crypto Clown Canyon, Steve Bannon declared DOGE “delivered zero,” prompting Elon Musk to respond by calling him “dumb as fuck.” This, while Musk’s own father publicly said Elon’s feud with Trump was a mistake caused by being “cranky and tired.”

Also in Feud News: Jake Paul and Ye have entered the Trump–Musk chat. Ye begged them to stop. Paul said it made Republicans look like clowns. And for once, they’re both right. Nothing says stability like billionaires squabbling with felons while Kanye plays therapist.

IOU, Bigly

Speaking of Elon, he reportedly still owes Trump $100 million of a $300 million pledge. What’s a bromance without a little financial ghosting? Meanwhile, the administration is now reviewing SpaceX contracts, you know, just in case Elon tries to drop any other not-at-all secret facts about the Mango Mussonlini.

Cloudy with a Chance of Stupid

Meanwhile, eight U.S. states are trying to ban chemtrails, you know, the thing that doesn’t exist. These are the same states that are still fighting the metric system and Darwin. Meanwhile, actual climate change science and environmental protection remain entirely too “fringe” and “woke” to warrant discussion

Geography and Bigotry

And finally, Rep. Mary Miller flipped out over a Sikh chaplain leading a prayer in the House, calling him a Muslim and declaring it was "deeply troubling." What’s actually troubling is that someone with a congressional badge doesn’t know the difference. Her post was deleted, but the bigotry remains permanently laminated.

Mar-a-Lago Messiah Complex

Capping it all off like a cherry on the flaming sundae of American decline, a man jumped the wall at Mar-a-Lago, saying he wanted to "spread the Gospel to POTUS and marry Kai"—Trump’s granddaughter, because nothing screams "Messiah complex" like combining trespassing with a marriage proposal to a teenager. Look, if this administration wants to be treated like royalty, they better get used to some royal-level stalkers.

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So here we are. The Fortunate Sons still run the show, while the rest of us sit in the bleachers, watching the blooper reel in real time. The news isn’t just dumb; it’s scripted like a rejected SNL sketch written by a doomsday prepper with a TikTok addiction. Tune in next time, when someone tries to baptize a statue of Reagan with Monster Energy and declare it Speaker of the House.

Bibliography, because even circuses deserve credits:

• “Trump Holds Military Parade in Washington as Millions Protest.” The Guardian, June 14, 2025.

• “Was Trump’s Military Parade a Success?” The Washington Post, June 14, 2025.

• “‘No Kings’ Was Biggest Protest in U.S. History: Data Analyst.” The Daily Beast, June 14, 2025.

• “David Hogg to Exit Democratic National Committee after Months of Turmoil.” The Guardian, June 11, 2025.

• “White House Reviews SpaceX Contracts as Trump‑Musk Feud Simmers, Sources Say.” Reuters, June 13, 2025.

• “Trump Fails to Overturn $5m Damages Award to E. Jean Carroll.” The Guardian, June 13, 2025.

• “Man Leaps Mar‑a‑Lago Wall to Spread Gospel, Marry President Trump’s Granddaughter.” ABC3340/CBS12 via Palm Beach Police Dept., June 3, 2025.

• “Intruder Found at Mar‑a‑Lago Said He Wanted to ‘Marry’ Trump’s Granddaughter Kai and ‘Spread Gospel,’ Police Say.” The Independent, June 2025.

• “Musk Lashes Out at ‘Dumb as F*’ Bannon as Their Public Feud Explodes.”** The Daily Beast, June 2025.

• “Sen. Rand Paul Says He Was ‘Uninvited’ from White House Picnic.” NBC News (video via Facebook/YouTube reel), June 2025.

• “Hitler‑Quoting GOP Rep. Makes Jaw‑Dropping Religious Blunder.” The Daily Beast, June 6, 2025.

• “Outrage after Republican Representative Disparages Sikh Prayer in the US House.” The Guardian, June 6, 2025.

• “Yes, U.S. Army Secretary Said There Is a Soldier Stationed on the Moon.” Snopes, June 2025.

• “Army Sec. Makes Startling Admission About Soldier on Moon.” Men’s Journal, June 2025.

• “Kanye West Urges Elon Musk and Donald Trump to Reconcile Amid Explosive Public Feud.” Times of India, June 6, 2025.

• “Jake Paul Slams Elon Musk and Donald Trump.” Yahoo News, June 2025.