SNARKITORIAL: Daddy Issues, Nuclear Confetti, and the Asbestos Revival Tour

This is why we can't have nice things, or just another section of this cursed timeline

Jun 29, 2025

Welcome back to the collapse, folks. This week in America's Traveling Circus of Power and Petulance: Daddy Trump gets serenaded in Europe, flips off Iran with a fresh bombing, and decides that nukes are optional now because apparently diplomatic deterrence is for beta males and Quakers. Meanwhile, Peter Thiel is discovering that Elon Musk, our Technoking of Martian Vaporware, may not actually understand the sentient Roomba apocalypse he’s triggering. And just like that, the guy who put the “PayPal” in “panic” starts sounding like the voice of reason. It's a dark, stupid timeline indeed.

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Elon and the Robot Child Army

Peter Thiel, tech vampire and occasional philosopher-king of libertarianism, threw a little shade at his longtime frenemy Elon Musk, saying the man no longer cares about Mars colonization. That’s right, our Martian Moses has left the Exodus mid-book. Instead of pioneering humanity’s off-world survival, Musk is too busy programming his Terminators to run over toddlers and tweet slurs. Thiel then added that Elon doesn’t understand his own robot revolution. Funny, neither does anyone else, including the robots, who now spend their days sorting NFTs and crashing Teslas into ambulances.

Trump World: Now with 100% Less Laws and 200% More Bribes

Back on Earth, the Orange Oracle of Bedminster has declared war on anti-bribery laws, because apparently making bribery illegal is “crippling” American business. That’s right: extortion is patriotic again. Naturally, the man who never met a transaction he couldn't launder is now trying to deregulate corruption like it's a dying coal industry.

And just in case you thought this was purely domestic derangement, Trump took his pro-bribery agenda international by publicly demanding that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s corruption trial be scrapped. Yes, Trump wants the case dropped because nothing screams foreign policy like defending another indicted leader on the grounds of "witch-hunt solidarity." It’s not a diplomatic doctrine so much as it’s a support group for autocrats who forgot to cover their tracks.

Then, in his grand commitment to judicial consistency, Trump is also suing every single federal judge in Maryland over one (1) ruling he didn’t like. Somewhere, the Constitution facepalmed itself into oblivion.

Meanwhile, Clarence “Yacht Club Originalist” Thomas is huffing pure contempt at his SCOTUS colleagues for daring to waste his precious luxury-vacation time on a DNA case that might—gasp—prevent wrongful execution. Poor Clarence, always one inconvenience away from going full “Just let them die.”

Daddy NATO and the Department of War Crimes

In international dysfunction, Trump showed up to NATO, got called “Daddy” by Dutch PM Mark Rutte (yes, really), and left with “different feelings.” Marco Rubio giggled like a schoolboy hearing the word “boobies,” and the rest of us dry-heaved into our democracy. NATO leaders spent the visit practicing their strategy of praising and falating Trump, and, as always, it proved effective. Fueled by this daddy-energy, Trump is now pushing to rename the Pentagon back to the “Department of War,” because subtlety is for pacifists and poetry majors.

The Iran Situation: Boom First, Excuse Later

Speaking of war, Trump’s answer to criticism over bombing Iran without telling Congress is to… limit intelligence sharing with Congress. You know, the body that’s supposed to declare wars and all that boring Constitution stuff. But don't worry, the White House assures us it’s totally fine because the target was important and, hey, who needs oversight when you've got explosive rebranding?

His excuse for not sharing information is media leaks. Somewhere, Pete Hegseth giggled drunkenly and boosted his group Signal.

Bonus: Trump also declared that we don’t need a nuclear agreement with Iran anymore, because—surprise!—the bombing fixed it. Peace through carpet bombing: the new Geneva Protocol!

Lawsuits, Libraries, and Lavish Delusions

Because nothing says authoritarianism like suing the media for coverage of your competition, Trump is suing “60 Minutes” for a mythical $20 billion. Recently, we learned it might end up more like $20 million, mostly earmarked for his Presidential Library, the world's first building made entirely of grievances, golden toilets, and coloring books labeled “Classified.”

Campus Free Speech (But Only for the Meme Kids)

The House Judiciary Committee, dripping with the irony of a thousand Greek tragedies, wants Brown University to hand over records on a student’s free speech case involving a DOGE-style meme memo. Meanwhile, actual student protestors getting arrested? Crickets. But if it involves memes and culture war cosplay, they’re all ears.

Melania’s Immigration Mystery Tour

Congress grilled experts about the First Lady of Slovenian Modeling over Melania’s “Einstein Visa,” a program meant for Nobel laureates and—allegedly—those skilled at posing beside toilets in gold lamé. Turns out, marrying a spray-tanned billionaire with real estate bankruptcy bingo qualifies as "extraordinary ability" now.

Cringe Takes and Commandment Cakes

Marjorie Taylor Greene reminded a Jewish pundit that Jesus is coming back, because nothing says “deep respect for faith” like awkwardly proselytizing on national TV. Meanwhile, Governor Greg Abbott of Texas pulled a political yoga move: vetoing a THC ban (because he says Congress already legalized it) while simultaneously mandating the Ten Commandments in public schools (even though the Supreme Court just told another state naw). Who needs separation of church and state when you’ve got hypocrisy doing backflips?

ICE ICE Maybe

Trump flip-flopped harder than a carp on meth over ICE raids. One day, he’s stopping them at farms, hotels, and restaurants to calm corporate donors; the next, he’s reversing that decision because apparently the ghost of Steve Bannon screamed at him in a Mar-a-Lago mirror.

Nobel Peace Pipe Dreams and Asbestos Comebacks

Pakistan nominated Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize, only to immediately condemn his Iran bombing spree. Whiplash diplomacy, folks. It's peace through performative chaos. And just to top off the public health cherry on this toxic sundae, the EPA is reconsidering the asbestos ban, because nothing says “Make America Great Again” like mesothelioma.

The Party That Flips the Bird

And finally, J.D. Vance, vice president and spiritual mascot of passive-aggressive hillbilly cosplay, flipped the finger during an Ohio GOP dinner speech. Nothing says class like a man with the nuclear codes giving a room full of donors the ol’ “number one.” To be fair, the President did drop the F bomb on live television in regards to ongoing Israel/Iran violence just days later, so it is pretty on brand.

A Finger to the Face of Reason

In the grand tradition of collapsing empires, this edition of the pageant of power has featured finger-flipping VPs, Mars-abandoning tech bros, anti-bribery crusades for the corrupt, and a NATO meeting that doubled as a DILF convention. Somewhere between Jesus coming back and asbestos coming back, we lost the plot, if there ever was one. America: where satire and reality have officially merged, and the only thing bipartisan is the collective facepalm.