Snarkitorial: Musk, Trump, and the DOGE Days of Summer

The Bromance may be dead, but we'll always have Big Balls (thanks?)

There’s a certain perfume wafting through D.C. this June, and it’s not cherry blossoms. It’s scorched bureaucracy, gold-plated desperation, and the unmistakable stank of tech bros in suits pretending they read the Constitution. Elon Musk has rage-quit his government gig like a gamer who just got no-scoped, Donald Trump is handing out conspiracy theories and pardon coupons like it's Black Friday, and DOGE—the federal frat house masquerading as reform—is collapsing in real time. Let’s pop the hood on this government go-kart and see what’s burning.

The Pardon Parade: Grifters, Gold, and Glamour

It’s pardon season, and the MAGA menagerie is lined up like it’s a casting call for The Real Felons of Capitol Hill.

• George Santos, the human LinkedIn scam, threw a tantrum because his GOP “friends” won’t return his calls. After a social media meltdown, he deleted his X account, presumably to spend more time with his imaginary degrees and nonexistent volleyball trophies. America’s least-qualified catfish flounced off (to jail) after Trump ghosted his pardon request. A tragic end to a career that never existed.

• Meanwhile, Bob “Gold Bars” Menendez, still clutching his bullion like Gollum, is batting his eyelashes at Trump because bribery is practically a handshake in MAGA circles now. Nothing says “drain the swamp” like a redemption arc sponsored by the Precious Metals Lobby.

• A New Orleans jail escapee went live on social media, begging Trump for help. When you’re on the run, you might as well call the King of Consequence Evasion.

• 50 Cent jumped into the chaos to warn Trump not to pardon Diddy. We’ve reached the point where Curtis Jackson is a better ethical compass than half the House—and yes, still in da club.

• And one ray of sentient shame: Pamela Hemphill, a Jan 6 defendant, returned her pardon like it was a haunted relic. Somewhere, Mike Pence’s spine is weeping in admiration.

---

Musk Meltdown: Genius, Boy, or Both?

When Trump called Musk “50 percent genius, 50 percent boy,” it wasn’t shade. It was statistically generous.

• Musk ditched DOGE in a tantrum, calling Trump’s $7 trillion “Big Beautiful Bill” a “disgusting abomination.” Cue door slam.

• Then he nuked X with “Kill the Bill” screeds, ranting like a libertarian blogger in a Red Bull coma.

• He slammed Bono—who pointed out on Rogan that cutting USAID would literally kill people—by calling the U2 frontman a “liar” and “idiot.” Hard to see Musk from that moral high horse when he's buried under his own tantrums.

• Sahil Lavingia, a DOGE staffer, made the fatal mistake of telling Fast Company the government was gasp efficient. He was fired immediately for this act of verbal treason.

• And when asked about Trump’s disasterpiece of a budget, Musk blurted, “I don’t want to take responsibility for everything.” That phrase is now officially engraved on the White House welcome mat.

---

DOGE-ocracy Now: Bureaucracy Meets Tech Cult

DOGE was meant to streamline government. Instead, it turned federal agencies into Elon’s private LARPing grounds.

• Despite Musk’s departure, DOGE lurches on like a headless Roomba. Its legacy? Bureaucratic arson wrapped in startup buzzwords. The core team? Meme lords, crypto bros, and libertarian fanboys who think OSHA is a band.

• Big Balls, an online enforcer named like a wrestler with boundary issues, is now a full-time federal employee, alongside his bros Luke Farritor and Ethan Shaotran, all earning GS-15 salaries and holding keys to departments like Homeland Security because America needed more decision-making from guys who moderate subreddits.

• When DOGE got booted from the Institute of Peace—because yes, they illegally squatted in a peace think tank—they left behind trash, drugs, roaches, and rats. Performance art? Metaphor? The entire Trump doctrine in pest form?

---

Trumpworld Theater: Clones, Clowns, and Cracks in the Asphalt

While Musk melts down, Trump’s doing a one-man variety show: conspiracy theorist, military parade enthusiast, and Pride Month troll.

• After initially pretending to care about Biden’s cancer, Trump pivoted to calling him “vicious” and spreading a theory that the real Biden was assassinated and replaced by a robot. Cool, cool, totally sane.

• Trump’s renaming the Harvey Milk Navy ship, because nothing says “Pride Month unity” like erasing gay history with a gold Sharpie.

• His military parade is still on deck even though the Army says it might cause $16 million in damage to D.C. streets. But hey, you can’t put a price on an ego this size.

• And let’s not forget the National Garden of American Heroes, which is floundering because no sculptor wants to spend their career chiseling out Kid Rock’s jawline.

• Meanwhile, Rep. Jasmine Crockett had the line of the month: “The musk will linger in the air.” She was talking about Elon’s exit, but it works just as well for the lingering stench of Trumpism and DOGE's scorched-Earth policy agenda.

---

The Smoldering Stench of Efficiency

So here we are: Elon stormed off to sulk in a Tesla, Trump is playing Mad Libs with geopolitics, and DOGE lurches on like a frat house that accidentally got keys to the Pentagon. The federal government briefly turned into a startup, and—surprise—it broke everything and blamed the intern.

The musk might fade, but the damage is now part of the architecture. A government run like a crypto rug pull isn’t innovation. It’s just a collapse with cooler fonts.

As the scorched wreckage of DOGE continues to smoke, we’re left with just one question:

What’s next? A blockchain Supreme Court? A Department of Meme Warfare? Or maybe just hand the nuclear codes to Big Balls and let the algorithm sort it out.

We’ll be here to watch it burn.

The Sources (Yes, These Are Real. We Know, We’re Sorry.)
You'd think this parade of flaming idiocy was pulled from a dystopian satire, but no, these stories are all too real. Here’s where we found the receipts:

• “George Santos goes on social media rant, attacks ‘so called friends’ in GOP before shutting down X account.” New York Post. May 31, 2025.

• “Former Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez is still pushing for a Trump pardon before reporting to prison.” Yahoo News. June 1, 2025.

• “Trump asked Musk if DOGE was BS then called him half 'boy'.” The Daily Beast. June 1, 2025.

• Rep. Jasmine Crockett: “Musk May Be Gone, But His Stench Lingers”. YouTube. June 2, 2025.

• “'Completely Unworkable': Sculpture Experts Say Trump's $34 Million Statue Garden Has Major Problems.” Politico. May 31, 2025.

• “Elon Musk brands Bono a 'liar' and an 'idiot' over USAID cuts criticism.” Euronews. June 2, 2025.

• “Trump's military parade could cause $16 million in damages.” NBC Washington. June 1, 2025.

• “Trump orders removal of Harvey Milk's name from Navy ship.” Cadena SER. June 4, 2025.

• Elon Musk's step away from politics didn't last too long. Business Insider. June 4, 2025.

• "‘Big Balls’ DOGE Goon Hired Full-Time on Top Government Salary." The Daily Beast, June 1, 2025.

• "‘MAGA Granny’ Pamela Hemphill Fights Against Capitol Riot Pardon from Trump." The Daily Beast, June 2, 2025.

• "Elon Musk Keeps on Dissing Trump in Flurry of New Posts." The Daily Beast, June 3, 2025.

• "Elon Musk Brands Bono a 'Liar' and an 'Idiot' over USAID Cuts Criticism." Latin Times, June 2, 2025.

• "Trump’s National Garden of American Heroes Plan Is a Costly, Empty Gesture." Reason, June 3, 2025.

• "Silicon Valley Techie Who Worked in DOGE Reveals How Trump Used Elon Musk as Washington's 'Whipping Boy'." The Economic Times, May 29, 2025.

• "Musk's DOGE Goons Trashed Office and Left Drugs Behind." The Daily Beast, June 3, 2025.