ICYMI: Five Stories You Probably Missed
(Because You Were Too Busy Screaming into a Nap Dress)
The last two and a half weeks were a buffet of late-stage imperial absurdity: AI popes, drone warfare disguised as “efficiency,” press crackdowns that Nixon would’ve blushed at, and a military budget big enough to buy Greenland and still have change for a parade. Somewhere between Elon Musk founding his own zip code and Trump cosplaying as a Jedi Sith Pope, democracy called in sick. Permanently. Here's your breakdown of the stuff you might have missed while trying to remember which dimension this is.
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1. The Empire Wears No Pants: Jedi Trump, Starbase Musk, and the Return of Greenland Mania
Check out the latest Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial for our recap of random stories served with a side of snark. In one week, Trump said he’s not sure if he’s bound by the Constitution, unironically wore AI Pope robes, and threatened to invade Greenland. Elon Musk retired from gutting the federal workforce to rule a literal company town in Texas. Lindsey Graham floated “Pope Trump” like a test balloon instead of a public cry for help.
Oh, and Sovereignty won the Kentucky Derby while actual U.S. sovereignty slipped into cosplay oblivion. You literally can’t write this fast enough.
The Empire Wears No Pants
If you thought last week’s news cycle was absurd, congratulations: the Republic has leveled up. Between the Jedi cosplay, dolphin distress signals, and actual conversations about invading Greenland, it’s getting harder to tell where the satire ends and the press releases begin. In this edition of the Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial, the Constitution is n…
2. Indigenous America Gets Erased (Again), This Time With Budget Cuts and Columbus Nostalgia
Trump wants to “bring Columbus Day back”—because honoring genocide is cheaper than funding healthcare. At the same time, tribal health, education, and environmental programs are being slashed, sacred lands sold, and boarding school trauma swept under budget spreadsheets.
Key Image: Trump praising Columbus while Oak Flat is handed to a mining company under a military spending bill.
Because nothing says freedom like desecrating sacred land for copper wiring.
Columbus, Cuts, and the Continued Erasure of Indigenous America
On April 28, Donald Trump stood before a crowd and declared he would “bring Columbus Day back from the ashes.” He spoke as if a national tragedy had occurred, not the centuries of violence that followed 1492, but the perceived loss of a holiday. For many Americans, it sounded like red-meat rhetoric, a nod to patriotic nostalgia. But for Indigenous commu…
3. The Copyright Cliff: AI Can Steal Your Art and You Can’t Do Squat
A federal court ruled that AI-generated content can’t be copyrighted. If a bot makes your song, novel, or greeting card, it’s fair game for anyone to rip off. Biden tried to fix it. Trump axed the fix. Now the robots own you, and they don’t even pay royalties.
Bottom Line: The creative economy has been stripped for parts and sold to Etsy bots run by dropshipping teens in Belarus.
The Copyright Cliff: How Courts, Creators, and Presidents Are Wrestling Over AI’s Soul
Imagine a world where anyone can copy your art, book, or music, and you can do nothing to stop it. No copyright. No ownership. No protection.
4. The Pentagon Fails Yet Another Audit—So Naturally, It Gets More Money
The Pentagon just flunked its seventh audit and can’t account for 60% of its assets. Trump’s response? Throw another $2 billion at fighter jets and schedule a military parade for his birthday. Meanwhile, veterans lose housing, and WIC gets gutted. America: where failure gets funded.
Actual Quote: “Peanuts compared to the value.”
Translation: You can’t afford insulin, but he gets tanks for cake day.
5. Trump Wants the FCC to Punish CBS—Because He Didn’t Like the News
Nothing says “land of the free” like a president trying to sic the federal government on a news network for airing a segment he didn’t like. After 60 Minutes featured Zelenskyy and dared to mention Trump’s Greenland fantasy, he demanded “maximum punishment” from the FCC. Somewhere, Nixon is slow clapping.
Key Quote: “It’s not about getting the facts wrong. It’s about whether doing our jobs puts a target on our backs.”
Translation: Journalism now comes with hazard pay. Or subpoenas.
Final Thought: We’re Not Broke. We’re Being Looted.
From weaponized federal agencies to AI authorship theft, from military bloat to Indigenous erasure, the theme is clear: if you’re not rich, white, or imaginary, the system is not for you. But sure, let’s rebrand Veterans Day and send tanks down Constitution Ave. That should fix everything.
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